emotional suicide
by clouds babe
Summary: this doesnt realy go with the storyline of ff7 or netin, i jus wrote it coz i like thinkin bout cloud!hehe;) go easy on me its my first fic iv put up!!


Emotional Suicide  
  
It's all flooding back, stood upon the last  
  
Anger raged inside of me seeping from the past.  
  
.1.  
  
1 Buuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzz . even in the darkness .  
  
The noise. And the pain. That was all. For now at least. Soon it would evolve into something more recognizable, but for now, just the pain.  
  
.2.  
  
White light filled his mind as the noise grew louder, but still Cloud did not register anything about his surroundings. There was a terrible pain in the back of his head as if it had been used as some form of punch bag. He could hear music in the background, each beat penetrating his brain as another thump to his already bruised skull. And now the light too, creeping under his heavy eyelids and piercing his unconscious dreams, this was enough, he blacked out.  
  
Triggered now by nothing, so easily hurt.  
  
.3.  
  
When he finally came to, some three or four hours later, he did so with the realization that he hadn't the faintest idea where he was, or, more importantly it seemed to him, what that insane buzzing was. It had disturbed him in his dreamless wonderings and was now doing its very best to drive him insane, slowly and surely. Getting up and looking around him was out of the question; another thing he had realized upon waking was that this was not just an ordinary hangover, not your normal Saturday night out- on-the-town kind of hangover, this was the mother of them all, the nukes baby. And any attempt to raise his head would result in a knife through the brain sensation followed by a repetition of the severe white light of a few hours ago accompanied by some pretty nasty cramps, aches and general blinding pain. In other words, Cloud Strife would not be going anywhere for a while.  
  
Instead he tried to force his mind into remembering what it was that got him here, wherever here was, in the first place.  
  
. Way to go Cloud, you finally managed to have yourself another blackout trip, pleased, are we? .  
  
Ignoring the jeering voices in his head, Cloud slowly began to piece together what remnants he could find of last night's 'adventures', the fact that he could recall close to nothing did not bode well at all.  
  
The pain internally collected, turns me into dirt.  
  
.4.  
  
. What happened last time you had a blackout, eh, Cloud? You do remember don't you, how could you forget, after all, you loved him didn't you .  
  
Cloud tried his best to shut out the persistent gnawing voices, his own gnawing voice in fact, but he knew now it wouldn't work.  
  
As he had done so many times in the past year, he let himself slip back into his memories and pain.  
  
Frantically searching for something to release my pain  
  
To end all my emotions that have f***ing stained.  
  
He was back where it had started, a year ago to the day. Cloud and Seph -it had always been Cloud and Seph, as far back as they could remember- young men in their twenties, on the loose, on holiday, and on just about every pill they could get hold of with what little cash they had between them. They had thought this was to be the beginning of an amazing night. But this was the beginning of the end, as the saying goes.  
  
Their night had started well, as most bad things tend to do. They drank, popped pills, chased after women  
  
. Except that wasn't quite right was it Cloud? You know it but even now you don't like to think of it . even now, after all this, you still wont admit it to yourself. You knew it then, just as you know it now .  
  
Watching his mate dancing away like a wild thing, Cloud begun to appreciate how handsome Seph was, with his tall yet muscular form; his always long and loose silver hair complete with bangs that on anyone else would look absurd, but on Seph seemed to work perfectly to highlight his narrow face, delicate features, and beautiful lively blue eyes.  
  
These thoughts had shocked Cloud, what was he doing calling his best friend beautiful? He squashed them almost as quickly as they had appeared.  
  
Seph, although outwardly, and in the eyes of all those who didn't know him quite as well as Cloud, was being just as loud and extravagant as he always had been, to Cloud, his best friend of fifteen years, had seemed just very slightly withdrawn, no, maybe that wasn't the word to use. False, even, yes, that was it; he had been putting on an act, putting up a front. And to all except Cloud, it had worked perfectly. There had been something weighing on his mind perhaps, Cloud had mused, but the change in his friend was so slight that after a couple of vodka shots in quick succession he had been sufficiently happy enough to forget about his previous concerns, and disturbing thoughts too, and begin making cheesy passes at the busty blonde barmaid instead.  
  
There it sits before me, the cure to my disease  
  
A beautiful abstract portrait, a final sucking release.  
  
.5.  
  
Cloud returned to the land of the living with a start, his hand had knocked over a bottle -a beer bottle no doubt- and the smash had woken him from his nightmares. But now he was awake he had to avoid the temptation to just lie there and wait for the mercy of death to take him away from all this, and get up.  
  
Slowly at first, and all too painfully aware of the furry, sour sensation in his mouth, the aching complaints from his limbs, and the screaming protest from the back of his head, he sat up.  
  
"Damn! Not again!" this came from the realization that he had no idea whatsoever of where the hell he was or how he had gotten there.  
  
. Oh well done Cloud, you really are doing well today aren't you .  
  
This has happened all too often in the past year, only he could normally at least remember some of the night before, and therefore eventually begin to work out where he was and how he had come to be there. This time this was not how it was going to go, all Cloud could remember from last night was that he had gone out with the intention to get totally and utterly plastered in order to forget the emotional torment burning inside of him.  
  
Shattered by a million heartaches, broken by the fall  
  
Split into my deepest enemy, the final end of all.  
  
It looked like he would be here for a while.  
  
. You know you can't forget forever don't you? You know he's never going away . you can drink yourself into oblivion just as you did last night, but when you return, he'll still be there .  
  
This was something Cloud knew all to well. He would be there, in the same way as Cloud hadn't been there. Not when he was needed most anyway, not when his best friend was in trouble, crying all alone to himself in a strange city with no one else to turn to for comfort. Oh yes, he would be there all right.  
  
.6.  
  
Reflecting off the candle light  
  
Hoping that my decision is right.  
  
Depressed and in pain though he was, Cloud knew he could not stay here for much longer. Closer inspection of his surroundings had shown him that he was lying on the end of short wooden jetty with a few boats moored around it -he presumed the boats to be the origin of that infuriating buzz that had sent him close to mad previously, either way, he never found out differently- dried vomit caked the side of his face like a mask and he lay as if on an island, surrounded by broken glass from at least two, large, bottles of liquor. To top off these cheerful findings, his left shoe was missing. Another moment revealed that some bright spark and his friends had made a crude attempt at dressing him up like a woman, albeit a rather badly clothed one.  
  
Shrugging off the cardigan and floor length skirt reminiscent of his nana's backroom wallpaper, Cloud rose to his feet, the pounding in his head never subsiding. He found his jeans half in half out of the water a third of the way down the jetty; of his shirt and other shoe he found no sign.  
  
"God I need a drink"  
  
. Cloudy, Cloudy, Cloudy what are we going to do with you? Look at you; and you can't even remember why you're dressed like a woman? Pitiful. You're a disgrace, did you know that? .  
  
Counting all my stars tonight  
  
Not a single soul in sight.  
  
He set off in search of a drink to again drown his sorrows. He kicked away his remaining shoe and carried on down the beach barefoot in his sea-soaked jeans.  
  
.7.  
  
Held against my waiting lips  
  
Slit to get a final sip.  
  
Two hours later, bottle in hand, Cloud was back on the beach walking in a fairly straight line towards the far off cliffs. Playing over in his head for the umpteenth time was his still crystal clear memories of the last night he had had with Seph, and how badly he had f***ed it up.  
  
. Yes Cloudy, you keep right on thinking 'cos it's all your fault babe and you deserve every last minute of pain you're getting. After all, it's nothing compared to what you put Seph through is it? .  
  
.8.  
  
As the night grew on, the difference in Seph had become more obvious; but coupled with the fact that he had had far too much to drink, Cloud still ignored it, although a growing feeling of unease began to grow in him every time he caught his friend's eye.  
  
. You could have stopped it there; you could have avoided the whole thing . well, maybe .  
  
Why hadn't he? Why did he let it carry on?  
  
. Silly boy, silly, stupid, ignorant boy.  
  
But why he hadn't was not the point, the point was that he hadn't and now he was paying for it. And he would always be paying for it.  
  
Sitting upon my fingertip  
  
Sucking through this new borne rip.  
  
At around 1 am Cloud had begun to feel slightly woozy so, taking leave of the young blonde girl hanging on his arm -the same one who had been serving him drinks from behind the bar earlier in the night- he had made his way outside the bar for some fresh air in the hope it would put off the headache he could feel approaching. He had taken a short walk along to the pier and stood looking over the edge at the inky rolling blackness of the sea just below. Five uneventful minutes passed.  
  
"Hey, Cloud?"  
  
Cloud started, the voice, right at his shoulder, strained yet urgent, had brought him back from the exotic, blonde-barmaid filled thoughts that had been occupying his mind.  
  
He'd spun round about to clock one to whoever fritted him up like that, but stopped when he realized who it was. Seph was leaning on the bar next to him, apparently more to keep himself upright than for anything else. He looked terrible; Cloud could see the whites of his eyes and sweat literally pouring down his face in streams. Cloud was drunk, yes, but not yet quite drunk enough to completely pass over the fact that his best mate was obviously, to put it lightly, not feeling too hot.  
  
"Cloud, I need to talk to you", Seph laid a trembling hand onto his companions arm, the touch had sent a shock like static right through Cloud's body, who for the second time that night had to squash an unnaturally strong feeling he was sure he shouldn't have.  
  
The nervousness in Seph's voice was hard to miss as he fumbled for the right words.  
  
Still concerned, both by his own worrying thoughts and by Seph's obvious bad condition, Cloud remained silent as he waited for the follow up.  
  
"Its, err, kind of hard for me to say this, but I really think I have to, it's been weighing on my mind a lot recently and I don't think I can keep quiet any more", Seph was struggling, "I have feelings for you", this first statement completely passed Cloud by, "What I mean is, well. Cloud? I. I think I love you."  
  
Alone I sit; it's in my hand, clutching the very cause of death  
  
Staring into the darkness, shaking with every breath.  
  
.9.  
  
The cliffs were drawing nearer now, still a long way off but if he looked back he could no longer see the short out-throw of land from which the little wooden jetty had jutted like a stiff arthritic finger pointing out to sea.  
  
He was not surprised to find that he had been crying steadily for the past ten minutes, he couldn't really think of many times since Seph had gone away that he hadn't been crying.  
  
. And whose fault is it that he's not here anymore then Cloud darling? Why isn't he still here, hey? .  
  
A sob escaped his throat, startling a lone seagull on a nearby rock that took off with a reproachful look shot in Cloud's direction.  
  
. That's it, you cry sugar, you cry till your throat is sore and your eyes are red, but its not bringing him back now is it? .  
  
He stumbled on; not knowing where exactly he was going or why he was going there, only that the direction he was headed led to the bottom of the cliffs gave him any vague sort of sense of direction at all.  
  
"Seph, I'm sorry, I was drunk and shocked and oh my god I'm so sorry!" Cloud yelled to no one in particular, not caring that a few bemused evening dog walkers were actively going out of their way to avoid having to pass him on the beach. He was unaware of the disdainful looks they gave him, nor of the picture he looked: a slim boy of twenty one, tousled blond hair, tears streaming down his now filthy but normally much sought after face, walking barefoot, dirt and scratches covering his upper body, visible to all those who cared to look because of the lack of clothing present -he was still wearing just his damp and clingy jeans, having had obviously no luck in the search for everything else.  
  
Even if he had noticed the presence of these other people he wouldn't have cared much anymore, all that mattered now was to make it up to Seph.  
  
Gathering all in which I lack  
  
Reminiscing on the past, knowing that this is the last.  
  
.10.  
  
Cloud reeled from shock, he felt as if he had just been dealt a blow by a world champion heavyweight boxer.  
  
The words took a few minutes to process properly, during which time Seph became increasingly sure that what he had just confessed to Cloud was really not the right thing to have done. He was right, as far as friendship went anyway. Recovering only slightly from the blow, Cloud had said, as calmly as he could manage that he knew what he had just heard couldn't be true because for God's sake it was Seph, and apart from anything else, Seph was a man, another man.  
  
"I had to tell you Cloud, I couldn't live with it bottled up inside of me for much longer, it was killing me. I'm sorry if you can't accept it but it wont have to change anything will it?" The panic in Seph's voice grew as he realized he had probably just made the biggest mistake of his life.  
  
Again, Cloud had had to think for a while to digest what he was being told. Anger suddenly rose inside of him. How dare Seph say something like that! It was stupid, it was wrong. But one look at the face of the man in front of him, sweat still pouring from every pore in his body, had told him that no, this was not wrong, this was the truth and this was what he was going to have to deal with. He was reminded of his own thoughts of only a few hours ago, thoughts that he knew had no place in the mind of a man, and was sickened.  
  
"I believe you know the answer to that one Sephiroth, don't you?" Cloud managed to say in a surprisingly even tone, "and I also believe that you can rot in hell. You disgust me."  
  
Cloud had then turned away from his friend for the last time, had intended to return to their hotel and drink himself into unconsciousness. This, though, had to wait a while. His last proper view of Sephiroth was of a face torn apart with hurt and confusion, and now nearly white with a sickness no one ever got the chance to cure.  
  
Bloody tears roll down my face  
  
Putting me in my own place.  
  
.11.  
  
Faced with the rejection, fury and disgust of his best friend, the friend he had foolishly thought he could trust with the world, Seph had watched him go, he tried to call out but his tongue had become nothing more then a dried out useless lump of flesh. His temperature had soared to well over forty and he was beginning to feel like he was actually cooking alive. Ironically, this was not far from the truth. He leant all his weight onto the barrier pole protecting him from falling straight into the hungry sea foaming below the pier and threw up. Blood, there was lots of blood. In thick, deep red lumps Sephiroth was throwing up half of what was surely meant to stay inside of him. This was the result of 'a bad pill', an E Seph had downed twenty minutes before was taking its deadly toll. Sephiroth died in agony, both physically and mentally.  
  
Thick liquid in the mirror.  
  
Cloud had meant to walk away without looking back, but on hearing a loud snap from the top of the pier he turned around.  
  
The barrier Seph had been relying on had broken, not that this mattered much to Seph, he was already dead, but his body was now free falling towards the greedy merciless sea waiting underneath.  
  
Cloud, however, knew not about Sephiroth's actual fate, only that he could see him falling, falling down to what Cloud automatically assumed was a suicidal death. Cloud screamed.  
  
.12.  
  
Ignoring all of my strong fears.  
  
He was openly sobbing now, great, deep, heart-rending sobs that racked his whole body. Sitting under these cliffs a year on from loosing his best friend, Cloud finally admitted that he had loved him too.  
  
. Only now it's too late baby, now it's too late.  
  
Why could he not have just admitted that before? Because he was scared of being different? Because he was scared it would make him less of a man? But Seph was the one who had admitted it; he was the one who had had the courage to show his true feelings. And did that make him any less of a man? No, it made him more, because he was the one who had gone for what he wanted and not given a thought about the 'maybes'. He was the one who had taken a chance. He was the one Cloud loved.  
  
"Sephiroth! I'm sorry! I love you! Forgive me!" Again Cloud was screaming at no one, but this time there was no one there to hear anyway. Dusk was slowly passing and all those who had a home to go to had gone to it.  
  
But that didn't matter now; nothing mattered except making up for his mistake. He knew now what he had been planning to do.  
  
Knowing that my time is near.  
  
.13.  
  
As the last light of day drew on and disappeared into night, Cloud grasped hold of the empty bottle he had drained a minute previously and smashed it over the nearest rock. Picking out the largest piece of green-tinted, alcohol stained glass he could find from the shards around him and holding it tightly. He had begun to cry again, a silent steady flow of tears made their way unchecked down his young grieving face. Turning first his left arm so that the underside was uppermost, twenty seconds later he would be repeating with the right one, Cloud found the sharpest edge of the glass and pressed it to his smooth tender skin. It slit the skin like a hot knife through butter; Cloud gasped with pain but then welcomed it, after all, he deserved it didn't he?  
  
. All the pain you get.  
  
Pushing the shard further and further into his arm, Cloud calmly carved out the name, Sephiroth, in his left arm. The glass became slippery with blood as it gushed freely forth from the deep, dark, angry gashes.  
  
He relished the pain.  
  
Swapping hands, he this time bared the white underside of his right arm, already beginning to feel lightheaded and strangely serene. The glass made three long deep wounds from wrist to elbow in Cloud's right arm, nearly going deep enough to encounter the hard white surface of the bone underneath. There, he was done, he had repaid what he owed and now, finally, Cloud could return to his loved one forever.  
  
A year after Sephiroth had died, Cloud sat on his own, loved now by no one, a face wet with tears, a body soaked with blood, not noticing the intense pain anymore as he slowly left his life behind. Blood mixed with sand, and Cloud Strife knew no more. 


End file.
